


We Didn't Choose This Life

by MalecAcid



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Ben Hargreeves Lives, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves-centric, Body Horror, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Good Sibling Allison Hargreeves, Heavy Angst, Hurt Ben Hargreeves, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mild Gore, Near Death, No Incest, Not Canon Compliant, POV Ben Hargreeves, POV Third Person, Pre-Canon, Pre-Season/Series 01, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28795104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalecAcid/pseuds/MalecAcid
Summary: He could have died on that mission. He could be in the ground right now, rather than on an infirmary bed with a few cracked ribs. He could've been a picture on the wall next to Five's or a statue in the yard. He could've been gone.And yet, he was still here.ORWhat would have happened if Ben hadn't died when he was seventeen.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Ben Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Everyone, Ben Hargreeves & Grace Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Reginald Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 36
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So!! I've been working on this fic for a really long time kfkskfmsdm and finally the first chap is out!! Which is v exciting!! 
> 
> Many thanks to whatisthiswhatamidoing (Gabe) for being that bitch that I love sm and encouraging and helping me figure stuff out about this fic for the last two months,, ilysm Gabe 🥺🥺
> 
> This was originally only gonna be one chapter, but then I actually wrote it, and it was,,,,,,,, long. Like really long. Like longest fic I've ever written long. (The divergent au doesn't count >:(() So I decided to split it up into five chapters!! Which was probably for the best kekfmskkfs 
> 
> Warnings specific for this chapter are someone (cough, Ben, cough) getting really really hurt/almost dying and recovering which includes some pretty heavy pain meds kfmsmdmsm there's also a good amount of body horror and gore so watch out for that and be safe while readingg
> 
> Obviously the title is fives quote from season 1, and honestly if I find the motivation I'll write a second part titled with the rest of this quote kdkzskskd 
> 
> This is getting way too long so!! I'll stop kdkskdsk I hope you like this fic and stick around as the rest of the chapters come out 🥺🥺 (probably one every two days!!)

When Ben was brought home that night on a stretcher, all bloody and broken, everyone had realized that that could have been his last mission. 

It wasn't necessarily different from any of their other missions, it was just that he had felt sort of off all day. 

He had refused his breakfast that morning because of the way the Horror had stirred unpleasantly at the sight and smell of Mom's cooking. That itself wasn't abnormal, though. He had refused meals due to the Horror's unpleasant movements plenty of times. 

Mom had patted his head as she always had, despite him being seventeen and not seven, and handed him a cup of tea instead of the waffles that she gave each of his other siblings. He had looked glumly down at it while they all started digging into their food, moving the cup in circular motions to watch the tea swirl. He took a sip and tried to ignore the way the Horror continued to move. 

Breakfast had only been over for about an hour before the alarms had started to blare. Ben groaned as he ran to the car, realizing that he had no time to change out of his favorite hoodie and leather jacket and into his uniform. This was his favorite outfit, and he was probably about to ruin it. 

He felt around in his hoodie pocket when they all finally sat in the car, grabbing onto his domino mask and pulling it out, holding it in his lap. He would put it on when they got to wherever they were going. 

It didn't take long for them to pull up to the bank, and Ben put his mask on as Reginald started to speak from the passenger seat of the car, not looking directly at any of them. 

"You are to get in and get out quickly. This is a fairly simple mission. Go in, take out the robbers, free the hostages, then get out. Go." He dismissed them with the last word and a wave of his cane, and they all quickly scrambled out of the car and into the bank, Luther immediately throwing the closest guy across the room, causing him to crack his neck against the wall. 

Ben shuddered at the sight of the blood streak that appeared on the wall before turning to face the three remaining guys in ski masks in the room, each of them pointing their guns at one of the siblings. 

It didn't take long for Allison to rumor them to kill each other off, allowing her, Ben, Diego, and Luther to move further into the bank, Klaus staying behind to stand watch. 

Throughout the entirety of the mission, the off feeling that Ben had in the morning and during the night before still hadn't gone away. The Horror was continuing to be restless, and he had no idea why. 

As they moved further into the bank, killing off more robbers and freeing more hostages, the feeling just got worse and worse. Every step he took felt like a punch against his stomach, the pain getting worse as time went on. He didn't know what was happening. 

Twenty minutes or so later, after all the hostages had been freed, Luther and Diego started to round up the remaining robbers and shove them into a lone room while Ben and Allison stood to the side, Ben tapping his fingers against his leg nervously while his stomach churned. He didn't know if it was because of anxiety, or the Horror. Or both. 

"Ben!" Luther called out, and he bit his lip as the Horror gave him a fairly harsh punch. "You can go ahead in." 

He turned to Allison, giving her an unsure and nervous look, wrapping a loose arm over his stomach. The Horror had never been this active before, and never for so long. 

"Allison, I…" He trailed off, and she tilted her head at him questioningly, eyes shielded by her mask. "I don't think I can let it out. It's being… weird. I don't know what's happening." 

She gave him an almost sad smile and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure it'll be fine, Ben. Here," She pushed his shoulder lightly, and followed behind him as they walked to the door, Diego and Luther passing them to head back to the car. "I'll stand outside the door while you're in there." She opened the door for him, and he walked hesitantly inside as she shut it behind him. 

Ben looked around the room to see only four robbers, all tied up and looking at him as if he was nothing. Everyone always did that when Ben walked into the room. They didn't know what he was capable of. Didn't know he was a monster. 

He blinked slowly, pushing those thoughts away and beginning to mourn the soon to be loss of his favorite outfit before lifting it up and exposing his stomach. 

One of the robbers at the side of the room opened their mouth to speak, but before a noise from them could be made, tentacles were ripping their way through Ben's skin and all that could be heard was screams and the splattering of bodies and blood and the crunching of bones. 

Ben closed his eyes and bit his lip to muffle his noises of pain as to not scare Allison more than she probably already was, but something was different, this time. 

The Horror was expanding the hole in his stomach further than it ever had before. It ripped up to his chest, and Ben could've sworn he felt and heard a few ribs crack. It ripped down to the bottom of his waist, ruining his pants further than just the blood. 

The robbers were dead in minutes, and yet the Horror was still out, searching for more victims, more people to kill, and Ben couldn't bring it back in. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't control it. 

Ben couldn't hold back his screams any longer as the thing inside him continued to move around. He clenched his fists, and tried his best to fight for control over the tentacles. 

He could feel the Horror start to waver, feel the way the hole started to repair itself, and instead of giving in to it, instead of letting them take control, he fought for it himself, and eventually, what could've only been minutes but felt like hours later, the hole was as sealed as it could be and he was collapsing to the floor, breathing heavy and labored. 

Allison must have been watching through the tiny window on the door, because as soon as he fell to the floor, the door flung open, hitting the wall with a loud bang, and she ran to him, collapsing onto her knees beside him despite the blood. 

"Ben," She started, putting a hand against his cheek as he stared at her, trying his best to distract himself from the pain. He was positive that he cracked a rib. Or three. "Ben. You're okay. You're okay." She patted his cheek, ignoring the tears running down her face to run a hand through his blood soaked hair comfortingly. "You're okay. I'm gonna go get help okay. You're okay. Stay here." 

It seemed to take everything in her to stand and leave Ben there, bleeding out on the floor. When she left, there was nothing for Ben to focus on but the pain, and all he could do was blink away the black spots appearing in his vision as he tried to keep breathing, tried to keep himself alive. 

The last thing he saw was Luther, Allison, and his father standing over him.

* * *

When Ben eventually opened his eyes again, the only thing he felt was numbness. Pure, blissful, numbness. 

He didn't even feel the Horror, which should've worried him, but he was just too numb to care. 

He couldn't feel anything. Not the bed he assumed was below him, not the blanket he could see out of the corner of his eye on top of him, not the IV in his arm that must've been pumping this miracle medicine into him. He was cooly, blissfully, numb. 

Eventually, what could've been any time later, Mom stepped into his vision, and he watched silently as she took the bag that held the medicine going into his arm off of the IV. He tried not to look too disappointed when she put a different bag in its place. 

He could faintly hear the sound of her talking, and he could see her lips move, forming words, but he couldn't make out anything she was saying. Eventually, he was unconscious once again.

* * *

When Ben woke up for the second time, he could feel _everything_. 

It was nothing like the numbness that he had felt those days or hours or minutes ago. 

The Horror was unusually silent, but everything else could only be described as _pain_. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and attempted to sit up with a loud noise of discomfort, but was pushed harshly back down by a cane that could have only been his fathers. 

"You foolish boy." He heard, and sighed, opening his eyes and trying not to flinch back at the all too familiar face. "You could've died. Why do you have to be so selfish." 

Ben tried not to laugh at that. Here Reginald's son was, on the verge of death, and all he could think about was how selfish he was. 

Though Ben wanted to laugh, he could barely breathe without everything hurting. 

"Hurts." He managed to say softly, and his father scoffed. 

"You don't deserve the good pain medicine. Heal quickly, or I will see to it that training will be very hard for you in these upcoming weeks." He said, moving away from the bed, Grace coming to stand in his place. 

She placed a hand on his cheek, and it was so much like what Allison did on the last mission that he could have cried. "It's okay, dear." She took a butterfly needle out of a cabinet, and he shuddered as she stuck it into the vein of his arm. "You'll feel better soon." 

His eyes fluttered shut as whatever was in the bag flowed down into his arm and knocked him out.

* * *

When Ben woke up again another immeasurable amount of time later, he was immediately swarmed with arms before he hissed when one of them whacked his side. All the arms immediately drew back at the noise, and he opened his eyes to see each of his siblings staring down at him worriedly. 

He tried to give them a smile that turned into more of a grimace when it tugged uncomfortably on his skin. "Uh, hey guys." He said awkwardly, as if they weren't his siblings that he'd spent every day with for the past seventeen years. His words were the fuse for an explosion of talking. 

"I thought you died!" 

"You've been in here for days!" 

"Are you okay? Does it hurt?" 

"Want a hit to take the edge off?" 

"Klaus!" 

"What!" 

"Alright," Grace cut into the noise, stepping into Ben's vision. "That's enough. Your brother needs rest, now." Each of them nodded quickly at her, some of them giving Ben a quick smile or wave before scrambling away. 

Grace smiled down at him, her robot face looking almost apologetic as she turned the dial to let a clear liquid flow into his arm, knocking him unconscious once again.

* * *

Ben woke up slowly that next time, blinking his eyes open and squinting at the bright white lights above him. Suddenly, Grace's voice sounded from beside him, making him jump slightly in surprise. 

"Oh good, you're awake!" She said, moving forward and patting his head. He closed his eyes as she ran her hand through his hair softly, ruffling it before stepping back. "You've been asleep for a long time." 

He nodded, and tried not to wince at the sharp stab of pain that came from the movement. Grace almost looked sad as she grabbed a new bottle from the cabinet, opening it and shaking two pills into her palm. 

She told Ben to open his mouth, and when he did, she placed the two dry pills onto his tongue, bringing a glass of water to his lips to help him swallow them after. 

"That will help with the pain." She said, twisting the cap back on to the bottle and placing it on the shelf. "You broke three ribs, and the Horror made too big of a hole to repair itself, so you needed stitches." She said, and his eyes widened in surprise, but he stayed silent as she continued talking. "That happened two weeks ago. You've been awake very few times, and it will take many more weeks for you to heal." He nodded, and she moved out of where he could see to grab something, coming back into his vision with a roll of bandages. 

"I need to rewrap and clean your stitches." She said, moving in closer, but paused when Ben shook his head quickly. He'd had stitches before, and he knew that this was absolutely the worst part, and that was just when he had some on his finger for a few days. Who knew how bad it would be on his entire stomach. 

"Just-" He paused, taking a deep breath in and holding it for a moment. "Just knock me out again." 

"I'm afraid I can't do that sweetie." She said, patting his shoulder with a light hand. "You were just out for five days and you need to start to readjust to being conscious."

He shook his head again. He knew that he looked like a child, but he didn't care. 

She moved forward silently, but before she could touch the bandages around his torso, he squirmed on the bed, unwilling to keep still. 

"Ben," She started softly. "If you don't stop moving I'm going to have to restrain you." 

He bit his lip and stopped moving, curling his knees in despite the pain to protect his stomach when she moved forward again. He stayed silent as she spoke. 

"I'm sorry." She said, and Ben tilted his head to look at her. She did genuinely look sorry, despite the fact she was supposed to be an emotionless robot, and Ben couldn't help but relax at the calm tone of her voice. He moved his legs down to lay flat on the table and sighed. 

She moved forward slowly so that he wouldn't flinch and started to unwrap the bandages around his stomach. When eventually all the bandage was unwrapped, she threw the used wrapping into the trash and grabbed a washcloth, dipping it into water and quickly moving to wipe at the stitches. 

He bit his lip as she dabbed at them, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to ignore the way they watered. He clenched his hands into fists, trying his hardest not to move. 

"Almost done." She said seemingly hours later, voice soothing as she continued to wipe the blood away. Ben sighed in relief when he watched her pull away, putting the bloody washcloth into the sink and grabbing the roll of bandages. 

It didn't take long for Grace to wrap a few layers around his stomach, and as soon as she was finished, exhaustion finally took over, and he was out.

* * *

When Ben woke up again, there was no IV in his arm, and the first thing he noticed was the fact that the Horror was just as active as it had been the past seventeen years. 

He tried not to feel too disappointed. 

He really didn't know what he'd expected. The Horror had gone dormant for a few days when he had been injured before, he didn't know why he thought that this time would be any different. 

The second thing he noticed was the fact that he was sitting up rather than laying down. 

He took a moment to observe the infirmary, taking in the empty, white, bright room with squinted eyes. Why was it always so bright in here? 

He didn't know how long he had sat there before his mom walked in, smiling brightly. 

"Oh! You're up!" She said, walking to him and patting his cheek. "How are you feeling dear?" 

"I'm okay, mom." He said, trying not to nuzzle into her hand too much. "It doesn't hurt as much." 

"That's good." She said, moving to grab a pill bottle out of the cabinet and a water bottle. She shook only one out onto her palm, and handed it to him, giving him the water bottle afterwards. "This will help you heal faster, but you should be able to get out of here in no time! Your siblings miss you." 

He tried to hide his surprise by taking another swig of the water. They missed him? They did seem pretty worried when they crowded around him a few days ago. 

"How long have I been in here?" Ben asked, handing her the water bottle after twisting the cap on. 

"Less than a month." She said, and his eyes widened. 

"It's been three weeks?" He asked incredulously, and she nodded, standing from where she sat on his bed, patting his knee softly. 

She walked out of the infirmary then, leaving him to think to himself. 

He could have died on that mission. He could be in the ground right now, rather than on an infirmary bed with a few cracked ribs. He could've been a picture on the wall next to Five's or a statue in the yard. He could've been gone. 

And yet, he was still here.

* * *

A week after that conversation with his mom, Ben had moved out of the infirmary and back into his room. Every once in a while, he had to go there for Grace to make sure he continued healing properly, but other than that he was back into his bedroom full time. 

He still wasn't able to train just yet, but he wasn't complaining. Whenever his siblings were training, he got to be by himself in his room and "study." Or, he was supposed to study. He mostly read his books or napped. He was still so tired. 

He wasn't due to train in a week, and when his siblings finally got their free time for the week, they all spent it with Ben, watching him as if he was going to shatter at any moment and asking him a multitude of questions. 

"Are you feeling okay?" Allison asked after she walked up to him, placing a light hand on his shoulder. He smiled up at her, trying to make himself seem as reassuring as possible. 

"I'm alright, don't worry. It doesn't even hurt that much." He said, patting her hand before turning back to his book. 

He watched from the corner of his eye as Allison stared at him for a moment, almost as if she was expecting him to be almost torn apart once again, before she turned around and walked back to where she was with Luther and Vanya. 

Each of his siblings would do daily check ins like that, but none more so than Allison. Ben felt a pang hit his heart when he realized that it was because she had watched it happen. She had been there. 

After that realization, he tried his best to constantly reassure Allison that he was okay. Sometimes he would put his hand on her shoulder when he walked by her, or smile at her softly when he caught her looking at him. Anything to tell her that he was still here, that he was still _alive,_ and without Allison he probably wouldn't have been able to say even that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really long but it's the price to pay for it to flow nicely 😭😭
> 
> Warnings for this chapter are some more of that body horror, blood and gore and animal death kflakdk so watch out while readinggg
> 
> I hope that you like this chapter!! 🥺

The week that he had without training seemed to pass by far too quickly, and before he knew it, he was back in the large basement, standing in front of three dogs and clenching his fists, his father behind a plexiglass wall to shield himself from the blood that was bound to splatter. 

Ben's nails dug further into his palms at the way his father almost seemed to smile as he looked at the dogs. 

"The Horror was the reason that I ended up almost dying." Ben said, ignoring the way his heart started to beat harder than before in the face of his father. "How do you expect me to let it free again as if it was nothing?" 

His fathers glare sent a shiver down his spine. 

"You were in the infirmary for many weeks, Number Six. I told you that if you didn't heal quickly training wouldn't be a happy time, and well," He paused, gesturing towards the dogs and his journal. "Here we are." 

Ben squeezed his eyes shut. He knew that this was going to happen, he knew it, and yet here he was, completely unprepared. 

He breathed slowly out through his nose, unclenching his fists, ignoring the blood running down his palms from his nails, and opened his eyes. 

He didn't want to let the Horror out. What if it tried to tear him apart again? What if he actually died this time? What if, what if, what if? 

He didn't want to kill the dogs. His training hadn't consisted of killing live animals in so long, not since he was at least fifteen. For the past year and a half, he'd had to bring down stone pillars, and those hurt to break, but at least he didn't have to kill an innocent creature. At least he didn't have to be covered in blood, feeling like he just couldn't get it off even hours later, guilt eating away at his bones. He hated killing live animals, he hated it, and his father knew that. That's why there were three dogs in front of him, looking at him with sweet and innocent puppy dog eyes. 

He couldn't think of any way to get himself out of this situation. He couldn't just say no to his father, and he couldn't possibly _pretend_ to kill the dogs. He didn't want to do it. Didn't want to, didn't want to, didn't want to. 

When he finally decided what he was going to do what felt like hours (but could've only been seconds) later, he felt the Horror start to stir painfully in his stomach in anticipation. It was ready to get out after weeks of being confined in Ben's stomach. It was ready to commit it's monstrous acts. It was ready to kill. 

He closed his eyes, clenched his fists once again, and set it free. 

It hurt, as usual, when the tentacles tore through his skin, but what he found surprising was the way that he controlled the Horror fairly easily. He was terrified that he was going to lose control again, and that extra focus that he kept on maintaining it only made things easier. 

The tentacles reached out and grabbed two of the dogs, the other one running a short distance away. The Horror ripped the two dogs that it held in half, splattering Ben and the walls with blood, before stretching out further to grab the third dog. 

It didn't take long for the tentacles to rip that dog in half too, and as soon as Ben could no longer hear the growls and barks of the dogs, he brought the Horror in, unwilling to let it stay out for longer than it had to. 

He opened his eyes slowly, rubbing the blood out of them as best he could, to see his father writing something down in the journal that he held. 

Reginald must have sensed him looking, because without moving his eyes from the book, he addressed Ben. 

"You're dismissed, Number Six. Go clean up. I expect you to be present at dinner in precisely thirty-five minutes." He said, his writing not slowing down, and Ben held back a scoff, turning his back to him and beginning the walk towards the elevator, scratching at the already drying blood on his arms. 

He did his best to avoid his siblings as he walked quickly towards the bathroom, ripping off his uniform and jumping immediately into the shower, turning the water on the highest setting and ignoring the way his skin started to turn red from the heat. 

The Horror was weirdly quiet now, he realized as he stood under the spray of water. Usually after it had been let out, a few hours afterward it would be active, punching against his stomach and stirring restlessly, begging to be let out again. 

He didn't know why that time was different. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

* * *

After both the accident and the first training session afterwards, the Horror had been… different, than it was before. 

The Horror had been unpredictable in its movements and actions before, yes, but this was different. Instead of going silent for five minutes and then moving painfully for twenty, it just… stayed the same. It was constantly moving, but differently than it had before. Almost as if it was scared to move any quicker. 

The only time the constant movement was disturbed was during training or missions. Right before he would let the Horror out, the tentacles would start to move quickly inside of him. This wasn't anything new, it had always grown restless before it was let out. It was just weird that that was now the only time it did grow restless. 

It had only been two months after the accident, though, and Ben couldn't say for sure, but he was almost certain that this was how the Horror was going to be from now on. 

And he wasn't complaining. The Horrors restless movements before had stopped him from sleeping, from eating, and caused him so much pain, and he was glad that that was seemingly over, at least for now. It was just different. 

It was change, and Ben hated change.

* * *

Two weeks after Ben became comfortable with the way the Horror had become, the tentacles went back to how they were before. Almost as if they had healed themselves.

* * *

Ben was almost eighteen when one of his brothers finally decided to leave. 

He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. He knew that the day would come eventually when they all left and became their own people, something separate from the academy and dad and his experiment, he just didn't expect it to be this soon. And he didn't expect it to hurt this much. 

There wasn't any build up to it. There was no big sign that said "Diego's leaving the week before we turn eighteen." 

All there was was Ben being shaken awake one night, looking up to see Diego standing over him, a bag stuffed full of clothes slung over his shoulder. 

"I'm leaving." He said, staring at Ben. 

"What?" He hissed, and Diego shushed him. "Now?" 

"Yes, now." He replied. "I have some money saved up and a few friends in the city. I'll get a job. I'll be okay." 

Ben didn't know how to reply, so he just stared silently at his brother. Diego sighed. 

"You're- you're gonna be okay too, right man?" He questioned, and Ben tilted his head, looking at him in confusion. 

"I mean, you're gonna be fine here?" He repeated, and Ben couldn't do anything but nod, expecting Diego to nod back at him and walk away, never to be seen again. 

What he didn't expect was the way Diego moved forward, wrapping his arms around him in a quick hug before pulling back again. "I'll see you around." He said, turning his back to Ben and walking out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him. 

Ben didn't know how long he stared at the door after it was closed. All he knew was that he wasn't coming back.

* * *

After Diego left that night, Reginald never mentioned him again. 

He clearly knew that he was gone, but he didn't seem to care. Things went on as usual, missions and training and breakfast and dinner staying the same, except there was one less person than usual. 

They went on a mission a few days after Diego left, and it was… weird. To say the least. 

Ben had to do more combat in the beginning than usual without Diego there to back up Allison and Luther. Klaus continued to stand watch, like normal, but afterwards they were all so much more exhausted than they usually would've been. He tried not to feel too bitter about it. 

He was happy for Diego, he really was. When they were younger, they would always talk about leaving the academy and going on to better things, leading better lives. He was happy that Diego got to live that out. 

Ben just wished that he was able to leave too. 

He just wasn't ready. Not yet.

* * *

Their eighteenth birthday was just as anticlimactic as Ben expected it to be, as all their birthdays were. 

There was a weird energy in the air, though. It was like all at once they realized that Reginald didn't have as much power over them as he did the day before. 

That morning at breakfast, Grace made them all waffles, their favorite, with extra sprinkles and syrup on top, giving each of them their plates and a smile with a quiet "happy birthday."

They had training, like always. None of them resisted. Nothing had changed but age between yesterday and today, their father still scared each of them, no matter how unwilling they were to admit it. 

That night, dinner was normal. Just meatloaf with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side. The only thing that indicated today was special in any way was the cupcake that Grace gave each of them, a different colored frosting on each one, each of them getting their favorite colors. Ben had smiled as his dark purple frosted one was handed to him. 

He didn't expect anything more to come out of that day. He thought that he would go to sleep that night, and wake up in the morning to eat breakfast with each of his remaining siblings. As usual, things didn't go exactly as he'd thought. 

They were released earlier than usual from training that night. Ben supposed that it was their fathers way of saying happy birthday, letting them leave the training room at 8:00 rather than 8:15. Or he just had something better to do, which was more likely. 

Ben walked to his own room as his siblings did the same, collapsing onto his bed and burying his face into his pillow. Before he could turn over to grab his book from the nightstand as he had planned, the door to his room had burst open, hitting the wall with a slight thump. 

He jumped up and turned quickly to see Klaus standing in his doorway, a backpack slung over his shoulders and a blunt in his hand. 

Ben sighed at the image, and moved to get up from his spot on the bed. "So that's it? You're leaving too?" 

He didn't know why he was so upset at the idea. He knew that it was going to happen sooner rather than later. They all knew. 

"Yeah," Klaus said, his shoulders slumping. "Yeah I am. And I think you should too." 

Ben's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "What?" 

"Come on, aren't you ready to get out of this house? Get out of dad's stupid experiment? Haven't you had enough?" Klaus questioned, and Ben shifted uncomfortably from where he stood beside the bed, and Klaus sighed. "I figured I should tell you that I was leaving. And I thought I should ask if you wanted to come with me." 

"Me?" Ben asked incredulously, and Klaus rolled his eyes. 

"Yes, you. It's not rocket science Benny, are you coming or not?" He looked around, a slight nervous look in his eyes. "I'm not coming back, y'know."

Ben took a step forward. "Yeah, I know. But… I can't come with you." He wasn't ready, wasn't ready to leave. He wanted to but he wasn't ready. Not now. Not yet. 

Klaus nodded. "I figured. I'll see you when you get out of this hellhole then, I guess." He said, turning on his heel and walking out of Ben's room, closing the door behind him. 

Ben looked at the place where Klaus once stood for only a moment before moving back to his bed, collapsing back on top of it and staring at the ceiling. 

If he wasn't ready to leave now, would he ever be? 

He didn't know what to do.

* * *

Ever since the Horror had healed from the accident, the bad days with the tentacles had just grown worse. 

Ben never really learned how to deal with the pain in his stomach. All he knew how to do was either sit and wait it out by himself, wait for one of his siblings to come to distract him, or fight through the pain so that Reginald wouldn't yell at him. He didn't know how to make it less painful, didn't know how to control it or stop it. 

That day was too bad for him to try and look the same as usual, though, so after Grace realized that he absolutely could not get out of bed to go to breakfast, she left the room, shutting the door gently behind her. 

Ever since they had turned eighteen, their father had been weirdly lenient about training. They still had to do it, of course, but it wasn't constant like it had been two weeks ago. Ben figured that Grace was going to tell Reginald that he wasn't going to train today, and Ben wasn't complaining. He could barely move without wanting to die. 

He curled further into himself at a sharp punch from the Horror. If Diego was here, he would've skipped breakfast to sit with Ben and tell him stories to distract him from the pain. 

Ben shook those thoughts off as soon as they came. Diego wasn't here, wasn't coming back. He was never going to sit with Ben while the tentacles assaulted his stomach ever again. 

He curled even further into himself when he heard footsteps beginning to walk to the training room outside of his door. 

He couldn't help but think about if Klaus were here. If he was, he would've been high, but he would've sat with Ben silently, every once in a while jokingly offering his blunt or flask to Ben who would forget the tentacles for a moment to laugh with his brother. 

He missed them so much.

* * *

Exactly a month after their eighteenth birthday, after Klaus left, Allison came up to him and told him that the best acting school in the United States had accepted her. She was leaving for Hollywood in a day. 

He didn't know how she had managed that, he figured that a rumor was involved, but either way, he was happy for her. 

He was happy for all of the ones that managed to get away. 

He didn't know why he thought that he couldn't.

* * *

Ever since they were little kids, Allison and Ben had made it their mission to sneak into one of the other's rooms at least one night a month to paint each other's nails. 

Their father had never questioned or said anything about it. The first night that they had done it, the next day Reginald eyed Ben's nails for a moment before moving on to their next training tactic. He never cared and never said anything about it. 

Because Ben's hands were always so shaky, Allison would paint his the color of his choosing and then paint her own. They would turn on Allison's radio at a low volume to not wake anyone up while they talked quietly about everything and nothing at all. 

They did this monthly ritual from since they were seven to the day Allison left. Whenever she told Ben that she was leaving, he didn't anticipate this being one of the things he missed the most, and yet here he was, sitting in the middle of Allison's floor at three in the morning, the radio turned to the lowest volume setting, looking through her array of colored polishes that she had left behind. 

Every time they painted their nails together, Allison would pick out a pink, or a purple, or sometimes yellow, and Ben would always pick a dark blue or sometimes black. 

That day, though, he picked the lightest pinkish-purple in the box. It was Allison's favorite. 

He opened the bottle with slightly shaky hands, taking the brush out and immediately beginning to apply the polish to his nails. 

It took him about thirty minutes to do each of his nails, and it took another thirty to dry. By the time the radio was off and the polish box back under Allison's bed, he was half-asleep, walking to his own room and dragging his feet before collapsing into his bed and falling asleep immediately. 

When he woke up, he immediately looked at his nails. 

They weren't clean or perfect, they didn't look as good as they always did when Allison did them, but they were his. 

And it was Allison's favorite color.

* * *

It was weird at first, but throughout the next year, Ben and Luther got used to going on missions by themselves, and Vanya got used to only greeting the two brothers that came home from those missions. 

That didn't mean it was easy, though. It was hard, being only the two of them. Ben knew that Luther didn't like it, and he didn't like it either. 

A week after their nineteenth birthday, Ben was in bed, curled around himself and dreading the mission that he knew was coming the next day. 

The Horror had been acting weirdly the past two days. Ben didn't know how or why, but he could just feel the difference. It was hurting a little more than usual, the way that the tentacles punched at his stomach a little different than they used to be. 

He pushed away the thoughts, curling further into himself and pushing his earbuds deeper into his ears to block out the sound of Vanya's violin. Normally he loved the sound of her playing, especially at night, but that night he just couldn't handle it for some reason. 

It was weird. He felt almost like… 

No. He couldn't let himself think about that. He was fine. 

He would be fine. 

While in the midst of his thoughts, he must've fallen asleep, because he was woken up that next morning by Vanya shaking his shoulder, whispering his name quietly. 

"Ben! They're leaving for the mission now you have to go! Ben!" She said, and he sprung out of his bed, ignoring the way he felt the same as he did the night before to reach and grab his domino mask off of the desk. 

"Thanks Van!" He said, quickly running out of the room, leaving her by herself inside. 

When he eventually made it to the car where Reginald and Luther already were, his father glared at him, but didn't say anything as he jumped inside. He must not have been that late. 

It only took a few minutes for the car to pull up in front of a museum, several police cars on the outside of it. 

Reginald spoke to them as they quickly jumped out of the car. "There are only a few robbers, so I expect you to be back in twenty minutes." He said without even looking at them. 

Ben and Luther both nodded and ran towards the building, Luther going first and wrenching the doors open despite the lock on them. They ran inside to see one robber who immediately fired his gun at Luther. 

Luther moved out of the way of it, running forward and throwing him out of the museum doors for the remaining police to get. 

He turned to Ben quickly, rubbing his hands on the pants of his uniform despite there being nothing on them. 

"I'll round them up and you get them all at the end, just like usual, right?" Luther said, his face tired as he turned and started to run further into the museum. 

"Luther, wait-" Ben was cut off by the door behind him slamming shut, and he moved one of his hands to rest at his stomach, turning his back to the door to keep watch. 

It didn't take long for Luther to run back through the doors, holding one of his arms close to his chest as it bled heavily. 

"Go ahead." Luther said with a wince, coming to stand next to him. "They're all locked in the storage room, down that hallway and to the left." 

Ben shifted uncomfortably, not taking a step forward. "Luther, I don't think I can-" 

"Ben please." Luther cut him off, and Ben felt a pang hit his heart and this time he was sure it wasn't the Horror. Luther looked so tired. "I really just want to get this mission over with. There's only three of them, it won't take long." Ben didn't move again, just looking down to the floor, and Luther sighed. "Please." 

"Yeah," Ben whispered. "Okay." He walked to the door, not hearing Luther's quiet "thanks" over the screaming in his head to stop, stop going, you're going to actually die this time. 

He ignored the voice and the Horror as much as he could, walking to the storage room and opening the door, looking silently at each of the robbers tied up in separate corners. 

He sighed as the robbers looked nervously at each other, clenching his fists and taking a deep breath, holding back a noise of pain when the Horror moved quicker at the prospect of being let out. 

He didn't want to let it out. He didn't want to die. God, he was going to die. 

The next time the tentacles pushed against his stomach, he let them free, holding back tears but not being able to hold back muffled screams. 

The robbers screamed with him as they were torn apart, blood splattering all over him and the walls. He allowed himself a brief moment to feel sorry for the museum's janitor before he realised that the three robbers were dead, the Horror still out of his stomach and searching for more soon to be victims. 

His breathing picked up slightly when the tentacles moved to the only door in the room, and he turned his body away as much as he could to get them to stop. 

"Stop." He whispered, slightly frantically, not wanting them to get out of the room. Not wanting them to kill anyone else. "Stop." 

The tentacles moved to the side of the room, inspecting the shelf of paint there for a moment before knocking it to the floor, causing the cans to spill open and allow the beige color that coated the walls to swirl in with the blood. 

Ben watched it for a moment, mesmerised, and his breathing started to slow back to a normal pace. 

When he finally looked up from the paint and blood, he startled back seeing the Horror. He'd forgotten that it was still out. Why was it still out?

He flexed his stomach muscles, silently begging in his head for the tentacles to retreat, and when they didn't, he made a frustrated noise. It wasn't listening to him. It wasn't going back in. It was acting just like the day of the accident. Just like the day he almost died. He was going to die. 

"Go back." He said, out loud this time, and nothing happened. The tentacles just kept moving around the room, looking for something to kill. Ben wondered how long it would be before they turned against their own host once again. 

"Stop." He said again, both to his thoughts and the monster in his stomach. He didn't need to go down that path, not when Luther was outside and hurt and waiting for him. 

He didn't know how long he had been standing there when the tentacles finally started to retreat back into his stomach, sealing the hole that they had made behind them. 

He wobbled slightly after they left, leaning a hand against the wall to steady himself before squeezing his eyes shut and then opening them again. He was fine. He was alive. 

He was alive.

* * *

They were twenty when Vanya had finally saved up enough money from her job at the coffee shop down the street to rent an apartment. 

Ben knew that this day would come soon. She had been working at the job since they were eighteen, planning her escape from here the moment she got her first paycheck, but that didn't make it any easier. 

They didn't have any training that day, and it was the middle of the day on a Tuesday, so Ben didn't expect any missions or anything particularly interesting to happen. He was sitting on his bed reading, as he usually spent his free time, when Vanya walked in, dressed in her favorite outfit with a bag thrown over her shoulders, just like how Diego and Klaus walked into his room when they were leaving. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again, putting his bookmark in his book and setting it down on the bed, but not standing up. Vanya didn't move from her spot in the doorway, not saying anything. 

"So, this is it, huh?" Ben spoke up, and tried not to feel bad for the way Vanya flinched. "Diego left and then Klaus and then Allison and then you? Who's next? Luther?" 

"Well," Vanya started, taking a step into the room and dropping her bag to the floor. "I was hoping it would be you." 

Ben froze from his spot on the bed. "What." 

"You're not stuck here, you know." She said, moving to sit on the bed with him. "I know it feels like it sometimes, trust me, I know, but you're not. You can walk out that door any time." 

He shifted, moving so that his feet were on the floor next to her. "I don't know." He said, also not knowing what else to say. 

Vanya sighed. "You need to leave, Ben." He looked up, meeting her eyes, and tried not to cry at the way her efforts to get him to leave sounded so much like Klaus' own two years ago. "I know you hate it here. We all do- did." She moved her hand to rest on his shoulder. "You're not an experiment, you're my brother." 

"I-" He paused, searching for _something_ , anything. "I can't leave Luther…" 

He stared at her, not saying anything else, and she sighed again, standing up from the bed. "Just… think about it." She said walking out the door before shutting it behind her. 

He stared at it, just like he stared at the door Allison shut and the door Klaus shut and the door Diego shut. Just like the door Luther would probably shut. 

He was happy for them. He was. He was happy that they were out on their own, experiencing life for themselves and escaping their horrible father. 

He tried not to feel too bitter about the fact that it felt almost as if they were trying to escape him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you likedddd third one will be out in probably another two days kfkskdk


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter is up!! A little later than I wanted it to be oops 😔😔 sorry about that jdjsjdj but!!! Here it issss hope you likeee

Being the only two people left in the house, Luther and Ben were bound to have more interactions than they did when they were kids. 

When they were kids, everyone split off into their own groups. Usually it was Luther and Allison, or sometimes even Luther and Vanya, but Luther rarely ever grouped with Ben when they were kids. Their personalities and levels of quiet just seemed to clash too much. 

Now, though… now they were the only ones in the house other than an asshole father, a monkey, and a robot mother. The majority of the time the only person they had for company was each other. 

A lot of the time they spent together was just sitting together silently. They would listen to Luther's records, read together and write together, but they never really talked. 

It had always been hard for each of them to start up a conversation, especially with each other. But that was okay. They didn't have to talk to enjoy each other's company, to stifle the loneliness that this big empty house always brought, even when there were five more people occupying it. 

They did argue, sometimes. It had never been about big stuff, though. Just little things, like how Luther dog-eared one of Ben's books, or how the record Ben borrowed from Luther had an extra scratch when he returned it.

They rarely talked about big or important things, let alone argued about them, but the day after their twenty-first birthday was different. 

They had been sitting silently, reading together, when Ben eventually, stupidly, spoke up. 

"Do you think we're ever gonna get out of here?" He questioned. He didn't even know why he asked, but leaving the big house had been on his mind since the day Diego shut his door behind him and never returned. 

"W-what?" Luther said, looking up from the journal he was writing in. And Ben shrugged, already regretting his question. 

"I mean, we are the last ones left-"

"Do you want to leave?" Luther cut him off, somewhat defensively, and Ben quickly backtracked. 

"No, no," He said. He knew what it was like to feel abandoned, and he didn't want Luther to feel that way. It was the main reason he stayed when Vanya had left. "I was just wondering?" 

Luther levelled him with a slightly suspicious look, setting the pen he was writing with down and sitting up. Ben shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. 

"I don't think it really matters that much." Luther said, and Ben's heart started to drop. "I mean, I don't think I'm leaving any time soon." 

"But…" Ben trailed off, and Luther looked up to him, meeting his eyes. "Don't you want to get out of here? Don't you want to live a real life, in the real world?" 

Luther huffed, crossing his arms. "We are living real lives, this is the real world. What the hell are you talking about?"

Ben picked at the edges of his book, slightly nervous in the face of his much larger brother. "I don't know, just forget it." 

Luther stared at him for a moment before turning back to his journal, picking up his pen and starting to write again. 

The silence wasn't comfortable, after that.

* * *

Ben was twenty-two the night he finally decided he was ready to leave. 

He had been awake for hours, lying in his bed, unable to sleep due to the thoughts that plagued his mind. 

He was tired. Tired of the missions, of the training, of the academy. He was ready to _leave_. Finally. Finally ready to leave. 

He didn't impulsively leave that night, though. It took a week for him to finally give in to the thoughts telling him it was time and to pack a bag. 

The bag stayed hidden in the back of his closet for two more long weeks. 

The day before he left, he started writing out a note to Luther. Ben didn't think he could confront him in person, but the thought of leaving and not saying anything made him want to unpack the bag he made two weeks before and forget the entire thing. 

That night at around two in the morning, he snuck into Luther's room first, placing the note gently onto the desk beside his bed and attempting not to jump when Luther turned on his side in his sleep. 

As he closed the door to Luther's room, he tried not to feel too bad about the fact that it felt like he was leaving him behind. Just like Allison, Vanya, Klaus and Diego had left them both behind. Ben was just on the other side of the door, that time. 

The second thing he did was probably the riskiest part of his plan. Leaving in the middle of the night wasn't necessarily illegal, especially considering the fact that he wasn't just a kid running away from home anymore, but stealing some money from his billionaire father? Definitely illegal, not that Reginald would call the cops. 

All Ben knew was that there was a drawer filled with money in Reginalds office. He was only planning on taking a few hundred dollars, though, so that the missing money wouldn't be very noticeable. 

He and Five had found it one time before he disappeared. They were just kids then, though, too scared to grab even a single twenty dollar bill. 

He doubted that any of the others took from it, since it was in their fathers office which was rarely open. Five and Ben had just been lucky that it was unlocked, that one time. Ben just had to hope that he would be lucky again. 

He held his breath as he turned the knob leading to the office, letting out a sigh of relief when it actually opened. 

Walking inside, he flipped the light switch, creeping further into the room towards the desk. Ben moved his hand to tug on the handle of the drawer he knew the money was in, huffing a sigh when he realized it was locked. 

It wasn't really that big of a deal, he thought as he grabbed a paper clip from the top of the desk. Their father had taught them how to crack any lock. The only downside was that he would notice that someone broke in, and when he would realize that Ben was gone in the morning, he would know it was him that broke in. 

It didn't matter, though. Even if he did realize that Ben had stolen a few hundred dollars, it wasn't like he was going to come after him, or call the police. He was a billionaire. He wasn't going to waste his time on a disobedient child with a miniscule percentage of the money that he had. 

It didn't take long for Ben to pick the lock open, reaching inside and grabbing three hundred dollars worth of twentys before stuffing it in the small space that he had left in his bag. 

He closed the drawer, leaving the unravelled paper clip inside. He figured that was enough of a note to leave behind for his father. 

Closing the door behind him and flipping the light off, he walked to the kitchen, grabbing a few cans of food as well as bottles of water. He knew that he would need something, considering the fact that he was going into this homeless and without a job. 

That thought made him pause in grabbing bottles from the fridge for a second. What was he doing? Was he really leaving now? Was he willing to be homeless for a while? 

The thought that if he didn't leave that night he would have to eat dinner with Reginald Hargreeves got him moving again. 

Even though he had been thinking about leaving for weeks, that didn't make this less of an impulsive decision. He had no idea what he was going to do when he walked out those doors. 

He wasn't like Vanya or Allison, he didn't buy an apartment, get a job, sign up for a school or anything like that in advance. He had nothing, no one, to go to. But he knew that he couldn't stay. 

The last thing Ben did before he left was the thing that hurt his heart the most. Even more than leaving Luther that note. 

He walked upstairs to where his mom was charging, walking in slowly and setting his bag down softly on the floor. 

He walked up to her, whispering a quiet "bye, mom" before kissing the top of her head. 

It hurt knowing that there was going to be a plate for him at breakfast tomorrow that he wasn't going to be there to eat. It hurt even more knowing that at dinner that mistake wouldn't be made again. 

It would be like he was never even there in the first place. 

He shook that off, moving to pick his bag back up and walking quickly down the stairs and out the door before he could change his mind. 

He only glanced back at the academy once before he turned the corner. He knew that he had made the right decision. He was ready.

* * *

Within a week, Ben was already questioning if he should go back. 

He didn't want to go back, and he knew that he wasn't going to, but he must have considered it at least twenty times during his first few days of homelessness. 

Ben had stolen enough money from Reginald to pay for only three days in the shittiest and cheapest motel he could find. After that, he was on the streets. 

A few days after he ran out of money for a hotel, he ran out of the food that he had taken, too. 

It was dark, his stomach was growling, begging for something to eat, and for the first time in Ben's entire life, he was considering doing something fairly illegal. 

That or dumpster diving. Was dumpster diving illegal? He didn't really know. He didn't really want to find out, either, considering that he only had a few outfits left and no money to pay for the laundromat. 

It wasn't like he was stealing diamonds, he assured himself as he walked into the fairly empty gas station. All he needed was something to eat. 

He walked up to the cash register, fidgeting his hands together while he quietly asked the only employee in the store where their bathroom was. Ben tried not to sigh too loudly in relief when the man pointed to the back left corner of the store. It would be easy, all he would have to do was grab a few things off of the shelf as he passed by it on the way to the bathroom and shove it in his bag. 

He knew that there were no cameras, he had already checked the second he walked into the store. It was supposed to be easy, so why did his heart feel like it was trying to beat out of his chest? 

He tried to ignore it as he walked down the aisles, immediately reaching out an arm to grab a bottle of water off of the shelf as soon as he was out of the cashiers sight. 

He shoved it into his hoodie pocket, moving to the next aisle over, continuing to make his way to the bathroom while passing as many aisles as he could. 

By the time he reached the bathroom, his hoodie and pant pockets had been filled with food and drinks that he didn't even look at as he grabbed them off the shelves. He collapsed onto the bathroom floor, swinging his bag off of his shoulder and zipping it open quietly, pulling the stuff out of his pockets and placing it inside. 

Ben pushed down the guilt that rose in him at every chip bag, every bottle he pulled out. He had taken enough food to last him a couple days if he rationed it well enough. 

He ignored the nausea that for once wasn't the Horror as he stood up, slung the bag over his shoulder, and flushed the toilet. 

He washed his hands and walked out, shutting the bathroom door behind him and whispering a quiet "thanks" to the cashier as he walked out the main doors. Out of the corner of his eye, he could've sworn that he saw the man give him a sad smile. 

It didn't take long for him to find the alley with the large overhang that he had been sleeping in for the past week. He collapsed onto the bench in the very back of it, unzipping his bag to take out a water bottle and a bag of chips. 

He ate every crumb that was in the bag before throwing it in the dumpster next to the bench. He only drank half of the water, screwing the cap on tightly and putting it back in his bag for the next day. 

He turned his back to the brick wall, hugging his bag close to his chest and closing his eyes.

* * *

A week after Ben first stole from the gas station, he was officially out of clean clothes, especially after he had finally gotten hungry enough to jump into the dumpster in the alley that he slept in. 

Throughout the weeks of being homeless, the only thing he could think about was how _stupid_ he had been. 

He should've prepared like Vanya had, should've gotten a job and saved up money so that he wasn't in the position he was in now. At this point, no one would hire him, not even the old pizza place a block away from the alley he slept in. 

If he had saved, he thought to himself, he wouldn't be knee deep into trash, searching for something half edible just so that he wouldn't have to go another night without eating.

Even though he had stolen a few times in his time away from the academy, that didn't mean that he _liked_ it. 

Ben hated stealing. He only did it if he was desperate, but that fact didn't stop guilt from consuming him. That, and also the fact that he just wasn't very good at it. 

He had been caught on several occasions, each time by tired overworked gas station employees, each of them letting him leave with a bottle of water and a small bag of chips with a warning to never come back. 

He was never the sneakiest person. He never really had to be. 

On missions, he was always the last one, the one who finished off the bad guys. He was never the one who snuck in to scope things out. 

The Horror wasn't a quiet tactic of attack. It wasn't like Diego's knives or Luther's strength. People didn't die the second the tentacles touched them. They screamed and screamed while they were being torn apart. 

He shook the thoughts off, digging further into the dumpster. He never had to use the Horror again. That was why he left. 

Ben ignored the slight punch at his stomach in response to those thoughts to grab a still fairly intact burger, pulling it out of the trash and jumping out of the dumpster. 

He took a bite of it, and it wasn't anything like he had eaten at the academy, it wasn't like anything mom had cooked for him, but in that moment after going two days without eating, it was the best thing that he had ever tasted. 

It didn't take long for him to finish the whole thing, and he went to sleep that night still slightly hungry and unsatisfied. 

He hadn't been full in a long time.

* * *

Ben never thought that he would have to deal with seeing his family on the streets. 

Sure, he had seen Allison's movie posters or pictures of her in magazines, but he didn't see her in person since the day she had left. 

He had thought that he walked far enough away from the academy to avoid Luther's nearby missions and Klaus and Diego, wherever they went, but, it turns out, he was wrong. 

He had only been out of the academy and on the streets for three months when he saw Diego for the first time since he had left all those years ago. 

Ben was sitting in the alley that he had been holed up in for about a week- he didn't like the homeless shelters, and only went there if he absolutely needed to- when he saw Diego turn the corner into the street he was on, holding a girls hand and laughing while he talked to her. 

Ben moved quickly, packing up his bag as fast as he could and running further back into the alley. He didn't want Diego to see him like that, living on a bench and surviving off of stolen chips and dumpster dives. 

He watched from behind a wall as Diego walked down the street with whoever she was, tilting his head to the side at Diego's smile. He actually looked _happy_. He looked like he had found himself. 

Ben had tried his best not to feel like he had been doing something wrong since leaving. Diego had left years before Ben had, he had years to get his shit together. Ben had only been out for a few months, and he was sure that this was how Diego was living before he had done something about it. 

Ben figured that he needed to do something, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you likeddd 🥺🥺


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4TH CHAPTER IS HEREEEEEEEE and it's longer than the last one but not nearly as long as the second JFJSKDKSKDMSK the next chapter is only 1.3k which is,,,, v short bUT it's the price to pay for good flow 😔😔
> 
> aNYWAYS there's some horror angst in this chapter, so beware the sadness 👀👀
> 
> I hope you like this chapterrr

A week after Ben saw Diego in the streets, he had gotten his first job. 

He was pretty sure that the book store had just hired him out of pity, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. 

The pay was good, and they let him work practically as much as he wanted. Because the store was small, it was rare that people came in, and even when they did, they went to the self checkout area. 

It was boring, but it was _something_. Something other than sitting around all day or searching in dumpsters for something to eat. 

When he got his first paycheck at the end of his first week on the job, he could've cried. Three hundred dollars was enough to get him a room at a shitty motel for two weeks, maybe even more. 

It was enough to get him food that wasn't stolen from a gas station or dug out of a dumpster. 

It was enough to get him to the next week. 

And at the moment, that was all that really mattered.

* * *

Logically, Ben knew that that first night he had spent in a bed in months wasn't the best night of his life, but it definitely felt like it in the moment. 

He had been sleeping on the streets, on benches, in alleys, or on floors of homeless shelters for months, and even though he was sleeping on the shittiest bed in the shittiest motel he could find, he was still pretty sure that he slept the best that he had in not just months but years. 

And he earned it for himself.

* * *

Ben hadn't seen Klaus since they were eighteen, so seeing him just roaming the streets while he walked back to the motel from the book store was definitely a shock. 

Before he was able to duck out of the way, unwilling to face him after so many years, Klaus spotted him. 

"Benny!" He yelled as he walked closer, holding his arms out by his sides. "It's been so long!" 

He moved forward to wrap his arms around Ben, and he couldn't help but smile and lean into the hug before Klaus pulled away, taking a swig from the bottle that he held. 

"So you up and left? I thought you'd stick around the academy a few more years," Klaus said, and Ben sighed, shifting where he stood uncomfortably. 

"Yeah," He said quietly. "Luther's still there."

"Psh." Klaus scoffed, waving the hand that didn't hold the bottle. "He's probably gonna stay there for years, knowing him." Ben pretended not to notice the bitterness in his voice. "But hey! You did the right thing Bennerino, getting out of that old house. When did you leave?" 

"A few months ago." He said, wincing at the way Klaus clapped his hands loudly. 

"And you're better off than me!" Klaus said, throwing his arms up and spilling his drink slightly onto the sidewalk. "You're not even homeless! I mean, maybe you are. Are you?" 

"No!" Ben hissed, then backtracked. "No, not really. Kind of. I'm at this motel right now." 

Klaus tilted his head forward slightly. "Once again, better off than me." He sighed, bringing the bottle he held to his lips and stumbling slightly as he drank heavily from it. 

Ben rolled his eyes, taking a step forward and grabbing the bottle out of Klaus' hands, throwing it to the side. At least he was still Klaus. 

Klaus groaned. "Whyyy would you do that." 

Ben rolled his eyes again. "It was almost empty anyways." He paused for a moment, contemplating in the silence, before speaking again. "You can come stay at mine, for the night. If you have nowhere else to go I mean-" 

Klaus cut him off with a faked dramatic gasp. "Wow, I see what this is."

When Ben tilted his head to the side in confusion, and Klaus continued, taking a step closer to him. "You want some bro time with your favorite bro! Aw, that's so sweet." He moved forward to hug him again, and Ben held back a groan when he smelt the alcohol on his breath. He didn't really want to take care of a drunk Klaus all night, but he knew what being homeless was like, and if he was able to help just a little bit, then he would. 

He pushed Klaus lightly off of him. "Come on, motels that way." He said, pointing down the street, and Klaus nodded before yawning, stumbling forward. 

Ben followed behind, holding back a small smile. Klaus was the same as he was four years ago, and he couldn't help but find that comforting. He hoped that he hadn't changed too much either.

* * *

Klaus had only stayed two days before Ben came back from the book store one night to find that a quarter of his food supply was missing. 

He didn't know why he didn't expect it. And he didn't know why it hurt so, so much.

* * *

A few weeks after his twenty-third birthday, Ben was finally able to afford his first apartment. 

He had taken more hours at his job at the book store and managed to buy a fairly nice apartment. 

It had one bedroom and one bathroom, and it was fairly small, but it was _his_ , and that was far more than what he could say for most things in his life. 

At first, he viewed his job at the book store as something just to get him started, but now he didn't anticipate leaving it any time soon. 

He had an apartment. He had a job. He couldn't believe that it was only almost two years ago that he wasn't ready to step foot into the outside world without his father and his siblings, let alone live in it. But here he was. 

And he was happy.

* * *

It had been… a while, since Ben had thought about any of his siblings. 

After Klaus had stolen from him, especially after Ben had given him a place to stay, thinking about him didn't bring back great memories. And thinking of the others just led to memories of the academy, which he tried to avoid at all costs, but as he was checking out someone's books in the book store, he couldn't help but notice Allison's face on the front cover of the magazine he was scanning. 

He stared at it for a moment, surprised, before the person over the counter looked at him strangely, waving their hand in front of his face. 

He snapped out of it at that, quickly apologizing and handing the book back to them, his ears flushing in embarrassment. He handed them their library card, and they took it, walking out the front doors.

He sighed as the doors closed, collapsing into the seat behind him and putting his head in his hands. He hadn't seen Allison in years, and he couldn't help the way thoughts started to flood into his head. 

He wondered if she was okay. He wondered how she was doing. He wondered why she was on the front cover of a magazine. He wondered, he wondered, he wondered, he wondered. 

He hoped that she was doing better than him, better than Klaus. He hoped that she was doing okay. 

He hoped that she was happy.

* * *

Ben had only been working in the store for a year when he first saw Vanya's book. 

No one had told him, but that wasn't unexpected considering he hadn't been in touch with any of his siblings for the year that he had been gone except for minor interactions with Diego and Klaus. 

He hadn't seen or talked to Vanya since she had left two years before he did, so she wouldn't have told him that she had gone ahead and written a book about her childhood while exposing each and every one of his and his siblings secrets. She didn't even bother to ask if they were okay with it. 

Which was fair, considering the fact that she hadn't been in contact with any of them. But it was wrong. 

It was wrong to write about them and expose their secret training. It was wrong for her to expose to the world that he cried every night before he fell asleep as a kid. It was wrong for her to tell everyone that he almost died six years ago. It was wrong for her to tell the world he had monsters in his stomach that he was forced to kill with, that he was scared of. It was wrong, wrong, wrong. 

He was angry, at first. Angry at the fact that she would expose him like that despite the way they used to be fairly close, despite the way that they were siblings. 

After the anger faded a little, he tried to think about it from her point of view. She had always told him that she wanted powers when they were kids, that she had always felt left out. When he was a kid, he hadn't realized how bad it really was. After he read the book, it put Vanya in a whole new light for him. 

There was still anger there, when he thought of his sister and her book later on. There was anger and resentment, but there was also a slight understanding. 

What she did was wrong, but Ben found that he really couldn't blame her for what she had done.

* * *

Ben had barely been able to get the word "college" out of his mouth before his coworkers at the book store pounced on him, encouraging him to apply despite the fact that he was already twenty-three. 

After a month or so of pushing from them and himself, he finally decided to apply to a few, and he actually got accepted. He didn't know why he was so surprised, considering the colleges he applied to had a high acceptance rate, but he couldn't help the way his mouth dropped open in shock as he read the email. 

Ben ended up going for two years, getting a degree in writing and journalism and graduating at age twenty-five. 

He continued to work at the book store even after graduating, finding that he just didn't want to leave it. He started writing books based off of his childhood, just as Vanya did, but his books were fiction about a sad boy with a sad family. He figured that he was just obscure enough about certain things, such as changing names and the most serious aspects of their lives, that he could avoid suspicion of it being non-fiction about his childhood and life. 

Which it was, but nobody except him had to know that. 

He finished an entire trilogy as well as a few side books, managing to buy himself an even better apartment and a cat as well. 

Missy was probably a basic pet name, but Ben didn't really care considering the fact that she was named after the cat that visited his window sill everyday for two weeks at the academy when he was a kid. 

When he eventually got his second cat, Casey, and fully settled into his new apartment, he realized that he was actually, finally, truly happy. For the first time.

* * *

The first time Ben heard anything from Luther since he had left at twenty-two was a call that he received in the middle of the night. 

He woke up to a loud ringing noise, sitting up in his bed and looking to the wall where the phone was ringing. 

He sighed, pushing the palms of his hands into his eyes before standing up and walking over, putting the phone to his ear only to startle back at the sound of Luther's voice. 

"I'm being sent away," He said, breathing quickly into the phone. Ben stood in silent surprise for a moment before Luther spoke up again. "Ben? This is you right? Pogo said this was your apartment number but-" 

"Yeah." Ben breathed out, cutting him off quickly and trying not to think about how weird it was that Pogo knew where he lived. "It's me. What do you mean you're getting sent away."

He heard Luther breathe a small sigh of relief at the fact that it was actually Ben before he started to talk again. "I mean I'm gonna be gone. I don't know for how long I just. I don't like how we left things okay?"

Ben squeezed his eyes shut, thinking about the argument they had just weeks before he was putting the note on Luther's dresser in the middle of the night. 

"It's- it's fine." He said, shifting slightly in his spot. "But what do you mean? Where are you going?" Why did you call me when everyone else's phones would've worked just fine? He knew that this wasn't about their last encounter. If it was, Luther would've called him years ago. 

"Well, I'm finally getting to live out thirteen-year-old me's spaceboy dreams." Luther said, a hint of a tired smile in his voice, and Ben couldn't help but smile too even while confusion muddled his thoughts. 

"What do you mean?"

"Dad wants some research samples from the moon and, well, Pogo and mom aren't really fit to go are they?" 

"W-what." Ben said, ignoring the way Missy and Casey pawed at his legs. "You're going to fucking _space_?"

He could almost hear Luther's wince when his voice grew louder, could almost see the way he quickly looked from side to side to see if anyone had been alerted. Ben heard another sigh of relief come from the phone a second later. 

"Uh, yeah." He laughed a little, but it was humorless. "I just wanted to tell you because, well, not all space missions go as planned, you know." 

Ben felt like his heart stopped as his breath stuttered slightly at the words. "You don't have to do this, you know." He said, attempting to make his voice sound soft and reassuring. He could tell that Luther had tensed up by the way his breath froze, though, and sighed quietly, already ready for some sort of rebuttal. 

"Yes, I do. Everyone else might have left, might have given up on the world, but I didn't. The world needs me, and it needed you, all of you. But you all decided to be cowards." Luther said defensively, and Ben gripped the phone tighter than before. "All you guys care about is yourselves. I don't even know why I called." 

Ben anticipated that he was going to hang up, so he spoke quickly. "Luther, wait-" 

He was cut off by the sound of his brother hitting the end call button, and slumped his shoulders, slamming the phone back onto the wall quickly. 

He turned around and fell into the bed, unable to fall back asleep.

* * *

Ben tried not to think about Luther too much after that, but of course, he failed. 

His brother was all he could think about for a long time. 

He wondered whether or not he was alive. He knew that if he had died, he wouldn't have gotten a call. Pogo wouldn't have wanted to face him, and no matter what, he wouldn't pick up anything from dad, even if it meant he would miss something important. 

He wondered whether or not he hated him. 

The phone call had just made things worse. They hadn't left on fantastic terms, but Ben figured that the letter he had left made up for that. Now though, they were worse off, and he hated it. 

He didn't want their possibly last interaction to be one of hate, but he really couldn't do anything about that now. Luther was up in the stars and he was stuck down here with no possible way to contact him. 

He wondered if he was okay. If he was _happy_. 

Besides Allison and Klaus, Luther was the most social out of all of them. He enjoyed being around other people, and for him, it was a necessity to happiness. 

He wondered if he was lonely. 

There was no one on the moon but him, of course, but Ben couldn't help but hope that Luther didn't feel lonely, despite the fact that he was all alone. 

He wondered if he missed him. If any of them missed him.

* * *

It wasn't unusual for the Horror to act up. 

Even though Ben had been dealing with the tentacles in his stomach for the twenty-seven years that he had been alive, that didn't mean there weren't times when he would think back to when he almost died, times where the Horror would hurt like it had the days before and the day of that mission. 

Some days it would feel like he was that scared seventeen year old again, not even fighting to live anymore, just wanting the pain to stop, wanting it to be over. 

Some days it felt like he was dead, like he couldn't actually breathe, like he couldn't feel anything. 

Because of that one mission ten years ago, any pain that the Horror brought him that felt slightly unusual would immediately send Ben into a panic. Which he thought was fair, considering the fact that he had been practically torn in half. 

The thing was, he was actually _happy_. He was happy living in his apartment with his two cats. He was happy writing and working at the book store. He was happy that he was finally learning to put his past behind him. 

It was too bad that any time he felt a punch against his stomach he was immediately reminded of everything. 

He wanted to forget. Wanted to forget about dad, wanted to forget about his siblings, wanted to forget about training and the missions and the blood and all of it. 

As the years went by, though, the Horror seemed to calm down more and more. Ben hadn't felt anxious about it in a long time, and he was just starting to let his guard down about the tentacles when it happened. 

He was just sitting in his bed, typing on his laptop when the Horror decided to punch his stomach harshly, making him flinch so hard that the laptop flew off of his lap and onto the floor. 

He moved his hand to clutch at his stomach and curled into himself, biting his lip to hold back noises of pain. He didn't know what was going on. 

Normally when the Horror was being like this, there was a lead up to it, but over the past few days and weeks there had been nothing but silence coming from his stomach, nothing to make him suspect that this would happen. 

He thinks that that was why it scared him so much, the way that it was so sudden, unlike any way it had ever been before. 

The second that it punched him all his breath seemed to leave him, and it felt as if he couldn't get it back despite the way he was gasping for air. 

Missy jumped up on the bed next to him, and he shook his head harshly, hissing out a quiet "no" and pushing her off of the bed, sighing in relief at the way she ran out of the room. 

He didn't want to risk the Horror getting out and hurting her. 

He really didn't know what it was going to do, though, which is what scared him the most. God, he felt like he was seventeen again, begging the monster in his stomach to please, please stop, please don't hurt his mom and siblings, please, please don't kill the bunnies and the dogs please don't spill their blood and coat him in it please don't rip him apart please. 

But he wasn't seventeen, he reminded himself. He wasn't seventeen, he was twenty seven. He hadn't seen his siblings or his mom in years, and besides Missy and Casey, he was the only living thing in the apartment, and the cats were somewhere else in another room. 

He had never been more relieved and disappointed at the fact that no one was with him. 

He didn't want to hurt anyone, but he didn't know what to do. He felt so alone. 

It had been so long since any of his siblings had been there when the Horror acted out like this, but he still couldn't help but miss them so much in that moment. They would always sit with him despite his protests and attempts to get them to leave. Their presence always made it a little bit easier to breathe. 

Breathing, right. That was a thing that living people were supposed to do. And he was alive. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and attempted to take a deep breath only for it to stutter when he thought about the way the beings in his stomach could rip him apart at any second. He could die. He was going to die. Mom wasn't here to save him this time. 

He heard a distant sound, and hissed in pain when the Horror pushed against him harder, trying to get to the source of the noise despite the barrier of Ben's stomach and his protests. 

With the realization that it must have been Casey and Missy, he stumbled off of the bed and towards the door, a loose hand wrapped around his stomach as he quickly closed and locked it. 

Not having enough energy to make it back to the bed, he collapsed onto the floor, leaning his back against the door and deciding that he just had to wait it out. 

He didn't know how long he sat there, begging the Horror to please, please stop, but when it eventually did and his breathing returned to normal, the sky was dark. 

Even though it was over, he just couldn't manage to stop shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you likedddd last one coming out soon jfkskdks


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've done it!! We've reached the end!! This is where the fic starts to dip into canon a bit, and has a slightly open-cliffhanger of an ending 👀👀 
> 
> This chapter is the shortest of them all which is kinda sad, but!! It flows well so that's really all I can ask for 😔😔
> 
> I really hope you like!! But also look in the end notes for a kinda important thingy 👀👀

Ben hated working the night shift at the book store. 

He didn't even really understand why a book store needed to be open for twenty-four hours a day, but apparently, he was the only one available for that night. 

No one ever came in past 9:00 pm except for the people who came from the bar down the street every once in a while thinking that it was a laundromat or their house. 

It was very very boring, but the little broken TV in the corner of the shop gave some entertainment, even though it only played one channel that was the news. 

That night had been really, really boring for the first few hours, even more boring than usual. No one came in, and there was absolutely nothing for him to do. There were no books to unpack and no customers to check out. Ben probably would have considered it one of the most uninteresting days in his entire life, until the clock ticked to 10:02, at least. 

He was confused, to say the least, when a picture of his father suddenly popped up on the small TV screen, the words 'breaking news' below it. 

He got up from his chair, and walked closer so that he could hear what the person reporting was saying, tilting his head to the side as he listened numbly. 

"Moments ago, police reported the death of the most eccentric and reclusive billionaire." The man on the screen said as Ben stared, eyes widening in surprise. 

The man continued to speak, but he didn't hear what was being said. The words sounded almost muffled to Ben's ears as he backed up from the TV screen, crashing into and leaning against the book store desk. 

Well, at least his night was starting to get more interesting.

* * *

Ben absolutely did not want to go to the academy. 

He didn't want to "pay his respects" to his abusive father, didn't want to see Luther or Klaus or Diego or Allison or Vanya, didn't want to see Pogo, didn't want to see any of them. 

He was supposed to be putting his past behind him, supposed to be forgetting about what had happened and moving on with his life. 

In the end, it was his stupid, over-thinking brain that convinced him to go, because, what if something happened? What if he missed something important? What if someone else died and he didn't even know? What if, what if, what if? 

Ben would go. He would go to the academy and "pay his respects" for his father and "reconnect" with his siblings. He would. 

He just wouldn't be happy about it.

* * *

In the end, the drive to the academy was only twenty minutes long. 

The taxi stopped in front of the large building, and he got out, standing in front of it and staring for only a moment before he moved forward and off of the street to go inside. 

He was relieved to see no one standing in the main hall, and he started to run quickly up the stairs to his old tiny bedroom, only to hear the sounds of Luther and Diego's bickering. Nothing had changed, apparently. 

He sighed, putting the bag he held inside of his old empty room and started walking towards the room where the voices were coming from. 

He walked in just in time to hear the last of their argument, watching as Diego walked quickly past him without giving him even a small glance. 

Ben shrugged it off and walked hesitantly into the room Luther was in, their fathers old bedroom, and tried to not look too surprised at how big he had gotten. 

"Hey," Ben said quietly, walking forward. 

Luther turned his back to him, moving to recheck the windows. "Hey."

"You know, Diego's right," He started, trying not to flinch when Luther turned to face him quickly. "It was just a heart failure, dad was getting old-"

"What would you know about dad." He cut him off harshly, and Ben took a step back. "You've been gone for years." 

Luther stormed past him, and he tilted his head towards the ground, waiting a moment before tilting it back up and turning around to walk out himself, only to be stopped by someone in the doorway. 

"Pogo," Ben breathed out, and he smiled, holding his arms out for a hug which Ben quickly accepted. 

He patted his back softly before moving away. "It's great to see you. I didn't think you would come."

"Yeah," Ben started, shifting uncomfortably. "I didn't really think I'd come either." 

Pogo nodded. "I'm glad you came." 

"Yeah," He said, unsure of what else to say. Pogo, noticing his awkwardness, nodded again, turning and walking out the door after giving him a quick pat on the shoulder. 

Ben sighed in relief, walking out behind him the second Pogo turned the corner. 

He started to walk downstairs, only to be stopped by the sight of Klaus pulling a golden box out of somewhere in his clothes. Ben sighed at the sight, starting to walk forward and making Klaus scramble to put the box back in his coat. Ben rolled his eyes. 

Once again, nothing had changed. 

"Ben! Benny! Benito! How are you!" Klaus said loudly, coming forward with his arms open for a hug. 

Ben accepted it, rolling his eyes again as they pulled back. "Getting a head start on our inheritance I see?" 

"Psh," Klaus scoffed. "You know me. The family leech." 

Ben hummed, shaking his head, but before anything else could be said between them, Luther walked out of the room Klaus was just in, followed by Allison, and saying something about a family meeting downstairs. 

Nothing had changed. They were all still the exact same. 

He wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

* * *

The so called "family meeting" wasn't any less horrible or awkward than Ben had assumed it would be. 

They had sat in semi-silence for the first few minutes, the only noise being Klaus getting something from the kitchen, probably a drink, before Luther had spoken up and quickly accused them all of murder. Which was a little unexpected. To say the least. 

Ben wouldn't consider being accused of murdering his abusive father the worst thing that had ever happened to him, but it came pretty close considering the fact that he was still stuck in the academy. 

He had considered leaving, but realized that that probably wasn't a great idea. He didn't want to have had to ride two hours here and then two hours back just to miss what was probably going to be a very shitty funeral full of arguments and some more awkward interactions. 

Walking upstairs to his old room, he grabbed his bag that was leaning against the doorframe and walked inside, shutting the door behind him and looking around at the blank walls and empty drawers. 

The room felt suffocating and small, despite the fact that it was almost as big as his apartment's bedroom.

He had to leave. He didn't think that he could stay there much longer. 

He slung the backpack over his shoulders, moving his hand to grab the doorknob, but before he could turn it and open the door, he suddenly heard music start to play from where he assumed was Luther's room. 

He rolled his eyes when he recognized the song, but couldn't help the way his foot started to tap to the beat and the way his hand slid slowly off of the doorknob. 

Within a second he had gone from finally deciding to leave to sliding his backpack off of his shoulders and dancing to I Think We're Alone Now. And he wasn't exactly complaining considering the fact that he could almost see the way that each of his siblings were probably dancing along to the music as well. 

This only lasted for a moment before the music suddenly stopped. The few things that were left in his room started swirling around, and there was a bright light shining outside as well as a weird loud warping sound coming from it. 

He stood still in shock for only a moment before slamming his door open and running outside to see all of his siblings standing before a black hole lookalike. 

Before Ben could even start to question it, little Number Five in a suit fell out of the hole and landed harshly on the ground before standing quickly, looking himself up and down and then turning to look at each of them in turn. 

"Shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have finished 😔😔 and I'm kinda sad jcjzjdjxj bUT there is a thing I might do
> 
> Should I or should I not make another fic that is a second fic to this but has the season 1 & 2 events with Ben alive? Should I? Should I not? Idk I kinda need encouragement JFJXJDJXJ like would anyone read it? Would the massive amount of research I would need to do be worth it? I have no idea mfnsndnd pls give me opinions like would you read 😔😔
> 
> aNYWAYS anyone who's here thank you so much for sticking with this fic until the end!! I hope that you enjoyed and just 👀👀 let me know if I should do that second fic and turn this into a series 
> 
> Thabk for reading I appreciate everyone currently reading these words immensely!!
> 
> Edit: a sequel is in the works!!! It's going to take a while, but it'll be here eventually!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that you liked!! Pls stick around for the rest I swear it gets even more interesting 😌😌


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